a letter to 18 year old me.
every so often i take time to write my younger selves a letter. this has been such a beautiful part of re-parenting myself and connecting to my inner child. it’s a gentle way to heal myself in a non-linear way. by choosing to connect with past selves who were struggling, i find ways to support myself in ways i needed it most.
18 year old me was suicidal, self harming, and deeply confused about her purpose. she needed a lot of love.
A letter to 18 year old me.
life will break you in ways you can’t imagine. it will teach you. and it will mold you in ways that you never dreamed.
you’ll find your purpose. you’ll walk away from it. and you’ll find it again. and you’ll walk away from it and…you get the idea. you’ll repeat this cycle until you realize your deepest purpose is to fall in love (and stay in love) with yourself and the simple beauty of Life. you’ll learn eventually that your deepest desire is to enjoy each breath you’ve been given. it’ll come in waves until it becomes a part of your daily.
the greatest love of your life is you. it’ll always be you. it won’t be anyone else. so stop trying to fill that place—it is filled to the brim. there will be a lot of people who try to convince you that the unconditional love you feel for yourself is naive and vain. it’s not. and it is. and it’s beautiful. bask in it every moment you get.
don’t get attached to one way of using your gifts. there are many. and then there are more. sharpen your skills and don’t get caught up doing the things that come naturally and seem easy. you’ll get bored. challenge yourself and be better. you are your own greatest competitor. you’ll grow to fall in love with this process.
you will make some tough calls. they will hurt. but you’ll be so proud that you chose to live a life of fullness instead of one riddled with half truths and compromise. your heart will break. many times. and you’ll find the deepest joy in gathering the pieces and lovingly patching it together again. you won’t let your heart harden and that’ll be one of your greatest gifts.
you’ll meet people and see their souls before they have had a chance to. you’ll love them and you’ll guide them home. and in each hand you hold, you’ll find a deeper comfort in the feeling of your own palms. each person will change you. you’ll see Life differently every time.
when you get tired, rest. rest in the moments your heart feels peaceful. rest when nature holds you. rest when your lover rests by your side. rest. you have a lot to do in this life and rest is your most valuable medicine.
when you rest and let yourself be held, you’ll hear your soul in new, beautiful ways. she’l tell you when to stop and when to go, when to agree and when to wait for something better, when to exercise boundaries, and when you can allow yourself to soften. let these moments set the precedent for the relationship you have with yourself. and they will.
when you don’t know the answer to something, stop and wait. wait for the spirits to sing, your soul to write you a poem, or the animals to show you the way. listen closely and let yourself rest when you don’t know. it’s okay not to know.
your teachers will show you the way and they’ll also disappoint you. every single one. and it’s not their fault. it’s because you’ve set up unrealistic expectations for other humans. and it’s really because you set unrealistic expectations for yourself. you’ll soften and see the humanity in all of it. it’ll be a process and it’ll feel beautiful.
all in all, everything will be worth it. it’s all worth it. you’ll be guided. you’re going to love yourself so much that you feel your heart could burst. your life is a gift.
i love you. keep going.